The last few weeks have been kind of rough. I've been very fuzzy-headed, almost continuously nauseous (not enough to vomit, thankfully, but just enough to stay slightly miserable most of the time.) I've been fatigued in a way that seems only comparable to when I had mono in high school; I physically cannot stay awake sometimes. It's a very strange feeling for me.
It's not that I'm losing my positivity, but I am growing tired in the marathon that is cancer. I'm tired of life happening around me. I'm tired of not being able to do everyday, normal things without gassing out. I'm tired of saying "no" because my body can't handle it, but my heart would love to join back in. I'm tired of going to the hospital. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of people worrying about me (which, naturally they will because they are good people), and I'm tired of being cared for (which, I know I need...but damn, it's hard to accept.) I guess I'm tired of not being myself.
And yet, I'm grateful for the milestones I've hit, and how well I've seemed to tolerate them up to this point. In fantastic news, I finished the last of the Red Devil two weeks ago; it makes sense why I was feeling so crummy. I started Taxol today for another 8-week cycle of chemo. Everyone says that this drug will be easier. Side effects are generally fatigue and soreness, possibly some neuropathy, but you don't usually have to deal with nausea. That makes me optimistic. I can't say that I didn't have some chemo anxiety; it's weird because up until this point, I haven't felt like this at all. I've sucked it up and just done it. It's not that I felt like anything bad was going to happen or that I was worried about the new drug...I just didn't want to walk myself back into that hospital today. I was over it. Now I've OVER halfway done with chemo though, and that's a beautiful thought.
Once I got there, everything went fine, and my spirits were renewed. I had great nurses today, one of which was a figure skater in high school, so we had a fun chat. My aunt flew in from the Carolinas to be with me at chemo today, and although I was sleeping hard most of the day, it is comforting to have her here. Evie had a choir concert, and I was able to go. (and cry a little bit. Because that's how I roll right now. :)
Last weekend, I also felt good enough to go to Evie's skating competition, where she placed 1st in two of her three events. She was fun to watch, and it was fun to hang out with coaches and other moms and go to our favorite Chinese restaurant in the area in Fergus Falls (who knew FF offered a killer Chinese Buffet?!?!) Ev and I both crashed hard on Sunday night after we got home from an enjoyable drive in a blizzard that didn't happen. And we also bought a rockin' wig; I never wanted to wear a wig, so it's actually been a really fun process.
So...we've had a lot of peaks; I've just been really exhausted in the valleys.
Be kind to yourself. And selfish. And congrats to your daughter and her skating successes!